1. The four guideposts
These guideposts draw on Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg. The approach distinguishes what we observe, feel, seek to preserve and wish to request. It is often presented through four components: observation, feeling, need and request. The Center for Nonviolent Communication offers an introduction to the approach.
The facts: describing a specific situation
Begin with an event you could describe without guessing the other person’s intentions. “Yesterday, you started looking at your phone while I was talking to you” locates the situation. “You don’t care about me” assigns an intention.
Words such as “always” and “never” often deserve a second look. You can name a real pattern by identifying the moments involved, without turning that pattern into a judgment about the whole person.
The emotion: naming what the situation brings up for you
Are you sad, worried, irritated or discouraged? You do not have to find the perfect word immediately. “I’m having trouble naming it, but this is affecting me” can also open the conversation.
The phrase “I feel ignored” can mix what you feel with how you interpret the other person’s action. To separate them, you might say: “When you look at your phone while I am talking, I feel sad and disappointed.” This names the observed action and your emotion without minimizing the effect the situation has on you.
The need: recognizing what matters
Behind sadness or disappointment, there may be a need for listening, presence or consideration. The need helps identify what matters to you in the conversation.
“I need listening and presence in our conversations” names what matters. By contrast, “I need you to put your phone away whenever I speak” already points to one specific solution. By distinguishing the need from the solution, you can look together for different ways to create moments when each person can be fully present.
When the words do not come
If you find it difficult to identify an emotion or need, you can begin by broadening your vocabulary without looking for a perfect word. Recognizing Your Emotions and Needs: Where to Begin offers guided steps and tools for exploring your own situation.
The request: proposing a concrete action
A request describes what you would like to see happen. “Be more present” can mean many things. “Would you be willing to put our phones aside during dinner?” proposes an action that can be discussed.
A request remains open to a response, including a refusal or another proposal. This distinction between a request and a demand matters: seeking agreement through fear, guilt or pressure changes the nature of the exchange. A polite sentence can still hide a demand if “no” is not truly acceptable.
2. An unannounced delay: a fictional example
The following situation is entirely fictional and does not describe any client situation.
Camille and Alex had agreed to let each other know if either of them would be home later than expected. This week, Alex arrived more than an hour late twice without sending a message. Camille worried and waited before starting dinner. The second time, when Alex walked through the door, she thought: “You could at least let me know! I can never count on you.”
After taking a moment, Camille might say:
“On Tuesday and Thursday, you arrived more than an hour later than expected and I had not received a message. I felt worried, then irritated. I need predictability and consideration so I can organize my time. Would you be willing to send me a message as soon as you know you will be late?”
Alex might agree, explain why he could not send a message or suggest another way to keep each other informed. Camille’s wording does not determine his response. It does, however, clarify the facts and what still needs to be discussed.
Work demands, transportation, a dead phone battery or an unexpected event may sometimes make it impossible to give notice right away. The goal is not to monitor the other person’s movements, but to agree on a realistic reference point that helps each person plan and accounts for situations when giving notice is not possible.
3. Preparing your conversation with a simple tool
Choose a recent situation and write four short lines:
- I observed… A fact located in time, without assigning an intention to the other person.
- I feel… An emotion or inner state you recognize in yourself.
- What matters to me… The need or value involved.
- Would you be willing to… A concrete, realistic action that remains open to discussion.
Then read your request again: could the other person suggest something else without being punished, belittled or made to feel guilty? Hearing a refusal does not require you to give up your need. You can look for another possibility, clarify your limits or recognize that an agreement is not possible for now.
To remember the four lines, imagine a small figure: the eyes observe, the heart recalls the emotion, the abdomen represents the need and the legs invite a concrete next step. This is only a visual memory aid; emotions and needs are not literally located in these parts of the body.
You do not have to recite what you prepared. Keep your usual way of speaking and leave room for what the other person wants to express. The tool can help clarify your thinking even if you decide to postpone the conversation.
4. Taking a pause when tension rises
Do you notice that you are speaking more loudly, interrupting repeatedly or struggling to follow what is being said? You can suggest pausing the conversation. The pause can also help you recognize your own experience when listening becomes difficult.
In a relationship where you feel safe, a pause can be announced simply: “I feel too much tension to keep listening right now. I do want to return to the subject. Could we continue tomorrow after breakfast?”
Naming a realistic time to return helps distinguish the pause from silence used as punishment or an indefinite delay. If you are not available at the agreed time, you can say so and look for another time together.
5. Recognizing the limits and seeking support
Clear communication cannot control another person’s availability, interpretation or response. A difficult response does not automatically mean that you worded your message poorly. You are therefore not solely responsible for how the conversation turns out.
These guideposts are also not enough in a situation involving violence or control. The Government of Quebec distinguishes intimate partner violence from a couple’s disagreement, particularly through the imbalance of power and the control being exercised. If you fear retaliation, your safety and access to appropriate support come first. You do not have to communicate better to prevent another person’s violence.
For help, you can contact SOS violence conjugale at 1-800-363-9010, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In immediate danger, call 911.
Support may also be worth considering when conflicts keep repeating, you avoid certain conversations or tension takes up a great deal of space in your daily life. Social work can help you examine your situation while considering your relationships, responsibilities, environment and accessible resources.
You can begin by observing just one conversation, without demanding an immediate transformation from yourself. To continue reflecting, read When to consult a social worker online or learn about my services. If you would like to discuss your situation and see whether we could work together, a free 15-minute introductory call is available.
About the author
Judy Turcotte, S.W., is a social worker who provides online psychosocial support to people aged 14 and over who live in Quebec. This article offers general information for educational and preventive purposes. It is not an assessment or advice tailored to an individual situation.
Sources and further reading
- Center for Nonviolent Communication. The Heart of Nonviolent Communication, for the four-component model.
- Center for Nonviolent Communication. The Purpose of Nonviolent Communication.
- Government of Quebec. Definition of intimate partner violence (page in French).
- Government of Quebec. Help and resources for people experiencing intimate partner violence (page in French).
Sources accessed October 28, 2026. Published November 1, 2026.